Tuesday, February 9, 2010

Unresolved Grief From Relinquishment; part of my story

I grew up with a broken heart. No one understood this and so I was alone in my heartache. I would try and explain how sad and lonely I felt, yet no one could pin point why. My grandma thought I just needed medication. Maybe it was a chemical imbalance. I knew there was a reason. I just couldn't remember. I was relinquished as an infant and adopted into a loving family at 8 days old. I had a wonderful upbringing. I was and am very blessed to have loving people in my life. Still I was deeply sad. I would laugh and play like any other kid. The sadness didn't really kick in consistently until I hit 7th grade. Man this was the toughest year of my life. I was lost and confused and full of fear. Perhaps it was moving from my elementary school to my middle school. After getting over the initial separation anxiety from my mom, i settled right in and learned to enjoy my elementary school. I have only the sweetest memories of that time. The teachers and staff were so nurturing. Then I reached 6th grade and it all ended. The safety and comfort turned into chaos and confusion. I was sick about going to junior high school which was actually 7th - 12th grades all in one building. I was so insecure about it all and felt panic and anxiety in my heart each day that year. It never failed that I ended up in the counselors office for the majority of the day crying and talking about how I didn't know why I was feeling this way. The best they could do was listen. Provide an open door policy and encourage me. They were patient and supportive and made those days bearable. Over time I became more comfortable with my new school environment and gradually the fear subsided. By the beginning of 8th grade I was eager to get back to school to see all my friends. I was a good student and a great gymnast, so this helped in finding a place of safety in the madness of high school. The comment I heard most was 'she has so much potential' I was just unable to live it.

1 comment:

  1. A very brave post and I guess you now undertand the reasons. We learn to live with the scars but that empty place is always there, no matter how much love we receive it is not from the one who is missing in our lives.
    Good wishes for your courageous blog...drop by sometime we're on the same wavelength despite the years.Keep speaking out, that way change will come.